Snotty Funny Status Messages

   My wife is out of town for the weekend... I've already slid across the floor in my socks and underwear...... Now what?

   Yeah,, yeah... I'm just putting our meeting in my calendar...... ( shakes etch-a-sketch )

   Please take everything I tweet seriously because I never use sarcasm and thoroughly enjoy explaining things to strangers on the Internet

   I actually never like to touch baby carrots,,, because I'm afraid the mother will reject them.

   Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.

   If you are the 10,000th person to pee in a fitness club shower confetti drops & you win a 6 mo. membership... Or so I'm told,,,, Wear sandals

   Updates are like performing live music. Often the audience goes wild for your mediocre solo but sleeps through one you think is brilliant.

   I know two wrongs don't make a right, obviously... But how many does it take? I'm like on 396.

   My supervillain origin story is just someone knocking over my plate of super nachos.

   All I'm sayin is how do you expect your gluteus to be maximus,,, if you don't eat your bacon?

   I think we should replace the Marriage vow "`Til death do we part" with "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger".

   I Swear This Is The Last Time I Watch Groundhog Day

   (1st day in heaven)... Me: Whoa, is that Elvis?... Angel: No, it's an impersonator... Me: Wow, is that... Angel: Listen man, all we got is impersonators

   At my age,,, I'm not sure I'm up for learning a new microwave.

   Looks at growing laundry piles *Deep sigh... Kids , we're nudists now

   I typed hahahahahaha,,, and it got autocorrected to hahaha and I was like,, "yeah, you're probably right"

   My autocorrect changed gluten-free to glutton-free, because my Droid has the special fat shaming software update.

   Sorry I unfollowed you but you said regular fries are just as good as sweet potato fries,, and that's a lie.

   Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect - A Guide to Dying Alone

   I'm not saying I'm clumsy but every time I try to open a lounge chair, The Entertainer starts playing out of nowhere.