andrew jackson Funny Status Messages
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Just saw a store that already has Easter decorations out
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There's no more dangerous entity on earth than a woman with a lot on her mind and nothing to do but think.
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I have had it with Jimmy Crackcorn and his blatant apathy!
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I miss the days when if a person took a billion pictures of their own face, they would end up being institutionalized.
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Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer. Hug your casual acquaintances. Fist bump a frenemy.
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Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews) Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfriend.
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How to lose an argument with a woman. 1) Argue
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Some people are like eye-candy... I'm more like eye-meatloaf.
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Don’t expect a “bless you” after the 4th sneeze…get your self together
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Debt collectors calling you? They dont call ME anymore after I answer the phone “Homicide, Detective Smith speaking, please give me your full name and direct affiliation with the victim who’s phone you’ve just called.” Problem solved!
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that a selfie or did you just photobomb a picture of your filthy bathroom?
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Those who tell you not to run with scissors are just trying to steal your scissors. Run.
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I never understood why people use a persons picture for their caller ID; me personally I prefer to take a picture of myself and how that person makes me feel.
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I find it very stressful that Smokey thinks that I’m the only one that can prevent forest fires. I don’t feel trained for this, and I certainly didn't sign up for the position.
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I have no time for stupid people But they sure do have time for me.
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"Careful, there's dog poop on the dance floor." - how ballet was invented.
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I hit a deer last night. It died instantly. I feel awful, but when I'm jogging I'm in my own world.
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I stared into the abyss and the abyss was like, "Uh my eyes are up here!"
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red sky at morning, sailors take warning, sky rockets in flight, afternoon delight
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Basically the way it works is I tell myself I'm not going to eat too much and then I eat too much.
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