StonerDudee Funny Status Messages

   You know you're getting old when cops make you feel safe instead of nervous.

   Next time you're asked "What's Up" respond "A delightful animated film about a young boy and an old man who fly away to an exotic place in a balloon house."

   Teach a man to fish and he'll be like "Cool, thanks!" Teach a woman to fish and she'll be like "You're doing it wrong."

   I bet the first gay Transformer will morph into a Prius.

   Based on their music alone, I think it's safe to say that Adele and Drake were hurt by the same man.

   Every day at work I wonder if this is going to be the day I accidentally scream "SHUT THE F*CK UP' out loud instead of just in my head.

   When Asian tourists ask me to take their picture for them; I always say, "Okay let's do one more but this time don't squint

   Pizza delivery cars should be allowed to use sirens.

   I'm tired of the government reading all of my statuses but never liking any of them

   I feel bad for lions at zoos. How would you feel if a bunch of pizzas came to your house, took your picture, and you couldn't even eat them?

   My pet peeve: ketchup bottle precum

   Kindness has become so rare, that some people mistake it for flirting.

   It's so cold out the hookers downtown are charging 20 bucks to blow on your hands.

   No officer I wasn't texting, that's dangerous. I was checking my Facebook.

   Apparently, "I had an interview with a better company" is not an acceptable reason for being late for work.

   Hey Starbucks. If you gotta name your drinks with stupid language, don't roll your eyes when I order a gitchy gitchy yaya yaya mocha choca latte ya ya

   If lesbians aren't attracted to men, why are they attracted to women that look like men?

   Guys with unibrows, you may think it's unmanly to pluck that sh!t, but it's far more unmanly to never get laid.

   At what age do you stop shopping at Costco because you won't use the entire pack before you die?

   This jar of peanut butter says "may contain nuts" on it. Remember when survival of the fittest was a thing? Good times.