GaryKoenig Funny Status Messages

   I try my best to be a thoughtful husband. So, I surprised my wife with a new bag and belt for Christmas ! The old vacuum cleaner is gonna run like new now .

   When I go to someone's house and they tell me to make myself at home, the first thing I do is tell them to get out. I don't like visitors.

   I kept staring at the orange juice carton too long because it said "Concentrate"!

   Not funny... We sprung forward so hard we are back in winter!

   Dear paranoid people who check behind the shower curtain for murderers: What exactly is the plan if you find one?

   Marriage tip: When your wife says you're only coming in to get one thing, always grab a cart, because she's lying. Follow me for more marriage advice.

   The officer asked, "You drinking?" I said, "You buying?" And we just laughed and laughed. I need bail money.

   BREAKING NEWS: So according to my calendar, today is National Alien Abduction Day. In other words, the government has been lying to us. There are aliens! Lol

   I got a job sketching suspects at the police station. I'm a con artist!

   If I worked at a restaurant on Valentine's Day I'd put a fake engagement ring in every girl's drink or dessert. Then I'd sit back and watch the madness unfold at every table.

   Marriage tip: If you need to ask your husband a question, but he's playing video games, simply unplug the wireless router. This will teach him that he needs to listen to you, and keep you as the center of his life.

   Marriage tip: Your wife values honesty. So if your wife asks you if her best friend is prettier than her, just say "yes". Your wife will value and appreciate your opinion, and she will love you more for it.

   Marriage tip: If your wife just won't stop talking, just remind her that it is her job to be seen and NOT heard. After all, as the husband, your opinion is the only one that matters anyways.

   A man and his wife went to Israel and decided to pick a boat to see the beauty of the river Jordan. When the man asked the boatman how much it will cost them, he said $500. The man shouted, "No wonder Jesus decided to walk on the sea."

   Just heard that Lady Gaga will be performing a concert in outer space this summer. I think it's really sweet of her to do a concert right in her own hometown.

   Sometimes you have to sit back and play the role of a fool to fool the fool who thinks they are fooling you.

   Okay now that Christmas is over, I'm ready for summer!

   I had a call from a telemarketer and he said he couldn't understand me. I told him to press 1 for English.

   Marriage tip: If you're getting ready to go out in public with your wife, ask her, "Would you please put on some makeup?" This will help her understand that you are concerned with her appearance, and she will love you more for it.

   NO! I didn't fall on the floor! I attacked it with my wicked ninja skills! Aren't you jealous?