Aaron Funny Status Messages

   "This is the ride that killed Jimmy." - me in line, loudly, at amusement parks

   Not to interrupt your story, but do you have a completely different and possibly shorter story?

   I have my headphones on, but judging by the reactions, that was an audible fart.

   "I already looked there." -Kids that didn't look there

   Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.

   Google Earth is way cooler than regular Earth.

   You call it reckless driving, I call it searching for my lighter.

   My favorite part of a marathon is watching the reaction of runners who grab my plastic cup of vodka.

   Halloween is the by far the safest day to kill a person and leave them in a chair on your porch.

   Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don't sleep in the same bed anymore.

   I don't need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes.

   I hate how the iPhone auto-corrects "f**k that" to "yes, dear".

   Look up procrastinator on Wikipedia. There’s a picture of me. Well there isn’t yet, but there will be. Probably by tomorrow. Maybe Tuesday.

   I better get to sleep. I have to get up early to call in sick to work.

   It's taken me awhile but I think I'm finally ready to accept that it's not butter

   Its real cute how pedestrians confuse "right of way" with immortality.

   I've never been skydiving,, but I've zoomed in on Google Earth really really fast.

   I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I'll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.

   I confine my exercise to jumping to conclusions, stretching the truth and pushing my luck.

   It takes police too long to respond to 911 calls. If I get robbed I'm ordering Chinese food and asking them to bring a gun.