andrew jackson Funny Status Messages
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Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it's under the couch in the other room.
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I have nothing to update. I'm just making it look like I'm doing something at a party so people won't talk to me.
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Billion dollar idea. A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell "I'm just cooking!"
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Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
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I'd like to give that Baltimore mom 10 min alone with Congress and a wooden spoon.
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My best childhood memory was falling asleep on the couch and waking up in bed…. I miss teleporting. It never happens to me anymore.
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can operate a robot on another planet, but yet I'm still struggling to get this vending machine to take my wrinkled dollar.
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So, what are all us fortunate people complaining about today?
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I would like to learn one of those clicking languages from Africa because I get the feeling my knees are trying to tell me something.
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If being successful was an amusement park, I'd be the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can't get out.
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Dating these days must be so hard, because how do you know somebody loves you if they don’t make you a mix tape?
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Getting so many spam emails. “Grow Your Hair Back”…"Lose weight now" ...”Enlarge your manhood”… Wait… these are from my wife.
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Hangman is a great game to teach kids that if they don't learn how to spell, they could be put to death.
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Call me crazy, but I really prefer the term mentally ill
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Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That's my kid telling a story.
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Math question: There are 36 Oreos in a 14.3oz package. If Mike eats 3 of those cookies, how many minutes before he's like screw it and eats the rest?
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I’ve set my “life goals” to stuff I’ve already done so literally every day now I’m overachieving. It’s all about perspective.
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My coworkers will stand around confused during a fire drill but the office turns into the Hunger Games when there's lunch brought in for everyone
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Hi, welcome to adulthood! You’ll be constantly tired except for right before you need to go to sleep
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Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn't stop that murder.
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