M Funny Status Messages

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   messageicon Some fairy tales begin with "Once upon a time..." Others begin with "If elected, I promise..."
←Rate | 04-18-2021 15:22 by M Comments (0)  

   messageicon I couldn't quite visualize what a nanosecond was until I dropped a piece of bacon and my dog had it gone before it could even leave a grease spot on the floor.
←Rate | 04-02-2015 11:57 by M Comments (0)  

   messageicon The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.
←Rate | 03-30-2015 11:36 by M Comments (0)  

   messageicon Just once, I would like to see a person on a daytime talk show say, "dad was a good parent...mom was a good parent...the problem is me, I'm just a sheethead."
←Rate | 02-26-2013 11:06 by M Comments (0)  

   messageicon Just got back from a vacation in Nevada...turns out that money can by you love.
←Rate | 08-28-2013 13:00 by M Comments (0)  

   messageicon Just once, I'd like to see Punxsutawney Phil open a can of whoop-ass on the person that wakes him up every Groundhog Day.
←Rate | 02-02-2013 08:34 by M Comments (0)  

   messageicon I remember when a wasted weekend had absolutely nothing to do with being unproductive.
←Rate | 07-01-2013 00:14 by m Comments (0)  

   messageicon My New Years resolution is to stop procrastinating so much.
←Rate | 09-11-2014 17:14 by M Comments (0)  

   messageicon If women really knew what men think, there would be restraining orders on all men.
←Rate | 10-04-2013 15:20 by M Comments (0)  

   messageicon To the makers of rice cakes; thanks for nothing!
←Rate | 06-11-2013 14:25 by M Comments (0)  

   messageicon You should never fully trust the person who seems to never have to get out of the pool to take a bathroom break.
←Rate | 07-07-2013 20:04 by M Comments (0)  

   messageicon The 5 second rule for food dropped on the ground does not work if you have a 2 second dog.
←Rate | 11-14-2013 17:09 by M Comments (0)  

   messageicon One advantage of growing old is you don't have to worry about hackers stealing your nude pics out of the cloud.
←Rate | 09-03-2014 16:22 by M Comments (0)  

   messageicon We didn't take a video recording of our child's birth but we have some awesome video of his conception.
←Rate | 09-25-2013 10:02 by M Comments (0)  

   messageicon The good thing about a cell phone is you can be reached wherever you are....the bad think about a cell phone is you can be reached wherever you are.
←Rate | 04-27-2015 19:39 by M Comments (0)  

   messageicon The good thing about Facebook is if someone gets on your nerves enough, you can make them cease to exist in your world and you don't even have to hide a body.
←Rate | 04-03-2015 20:23 by M Comments (0)  

   messageicon I entered what I ate for lunch into my calorie counting app and it uninstalled itself.
←Rate | 07-23-2014 12:34 by M Comments (0)  

   messageicon I say "no thanks" to the great airfare offer from Virgin Airlines...I'd rather fly on an airline that goes all of the way.
←Rate | 09-22-2014 10:21 by m Comments (0)  

   messageicon Veterans Affairs Secretary Robert A. McDonald says he misspoke when he clamied he was in the "Special Forces"...he intended to say he was in "Special Education."...Easy mistake.
←Rate | 02-24-2015 15:12 by M Comments (0)  

   messageicon You're missing the point....and quite possibly a chromosome.
←Rate | 08-02-2013 19:46 by m Comments (0)  

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