Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If casual sex exists that implies the existence of ranked competitive sex

   A fun Independence Day depends on your number of dependents.

   "Diddy be giddy cause he be founded not gitty!" - The Ghost of Johnnie Cochran

   I had White Castle for dinner tonight. It was so good my butt gave them a big blowout review.

   Panties aren't the best thing in the world. But they're next to it.

   I'll never understand people saying "Rest In Peace" when someone dies. Of course they're resting in peace. They're dead.

   Hey, Dawn. Show us how well you clean dishes. We ain't got no oily duck.

   If you're unhappy with summer heat, remember this... you never have to shovel sunshine off your sidewalk.

   Envy, laziness Envy, laziness, and incompetency gave birth to communism.and incompetency gave birth to communism.

   The law says I can't drive with an open container, but it says nothing about jello shots!