Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon We live in a time where smart people are silenced so that stupid people won’t be offended.
←Rate | 06-15-2021 03:41 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Have you ever smelled moth balls? How did you get their little legs apart?
←Rate | 06-15-2021 02:50 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Does anyone know how long you can put chicken in the freezer? I put one in last night and it was dead this morning.
←Rate | 02-26-2021 08:13 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Twenty years ago, the internet was an escape from the real world. Today, the real world is an escape from the internet.
←Rate | 06-07-2021 03:31 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Don’t let anyone else ruin your day. It’s YOUR day, ruin it yourself.
←Rate | 04-22-2021 06:20 Comments (0)  

   messageicon A guy limps into Dairy Queen and orders a strawberry sundae. The cashier asks, “crushed nuts?” and the guy says, “no, it’s just my bad knee.”
←Rate | 05-27-2021 23:24 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Sometimes you meet someone, and you know from the first moment that you want to spend your whole life without them.
←Rate | 06-06-2021 04:42 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Going outside to vacuum the driveway. I do this every so often... just to ensure the neighbors never talk to me...
←Rate | 12-05-2020 10:08 by Gabe Comments (0)  

   messageicon My therapist told me I need to take the time to find myself. Took me all of 5 minutes. There was a mirror in the bathroom. Who's the smart one now Doc?
←Rate | 04-06-2021 19:22 Comments (0)  

   messageicon CDC just announced dudes can stop wearing skinny jeans.
←Rate | 06-06-2021 04:45 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
←Rate | 08-07-2020 08:56 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
←Rate | 03-11-2021 14:23 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The most blatant way to flaunt wealth, is to shoot a box of ammo at a plywood target.
←Rate | 06-06-2021 04:39 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I drive more safely when there's food in the passenger seat than when there's a person sitting there...
←Rate | 06-05-2020 08:17 by Gabe Comments (0)  

   messageicon Some random number just texted me thinking he was texting his manager saying that he was gonna be a few minutes late today. So I just gave him the day off.
←Rate | 05-24-2021 15:21 by @svaldez187 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
←Rate | 10-12-2020 08:15 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Dear Televised Sports Injury, We saw it the first time. Thanks.
←Rate | 06-11-2021 08:17 Comments (0)  

   messageicon A haunted house that has a room where a bunch of women ask you "Notice anything different about my hair?"
←Rate | 10-20-2019 09:04 Comments (0)  

   messageicon "It wasn’t me" - First rule of fart club
←Rate | 04-08-2018 13:46 Comments (0)  

   messageicon A guy just yelled at me for texting and driving. I told him to get off my hood and mind his own business.
←Rate | 07-06-2020 12:37 Comments (0)  

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