Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You can’t change someone who doesn’t see an issue with their actions.

   Counting to ten only makes it premeditated.

   There are two kinds of people: Those who do whatever they’re told, no matter what. And, people who will do what is right, no matter what they are told. 😉

   Teacher: “Today we will be talking about depressed people who share jokes all day as a coping mechanism.”

   When you’re in psychology class and you learn about the disorder you have.

   I’m all out of snacks. What else do people do for fun? 🤔

   When they can’t control or manipulate you, they smear you. 😔

   Feeling sad today…. Can everyone please send cute photos of your credit cards front and back?

   Hello, 911? The oldies station is playing the Backstreet Boys again.

   Friendly reminder to put all current boyfriends and girlfriends at the edge of family photos so that they and easily be cropped out later.

   Everyone I know is a “snack getting stuck in a vending machine” away from total collapse.

   Me: My dog is probably thinking about other dogs. My dog: “What was Scar’s name before he got that scar?”

   Beginning to see the need for censorship. Certain people are just too ignorant to be allowed to speak.

   It’s called gross pay, because it’s disgusting to see what you could’ve made.

   Quiz question: Would you rather be stuck on an island all alone or with someone you hate, and why? Answer: I would rather be stuck on an island with someone I hate, so I would have something to eat.

   When a man says he’ll do anything for a woman, he means fight bad guys and slay dragons, not dishes and vacuuming.

   Once you carry your own water, you’ll learn the value of every single drop.

   Amazonesia: When you forget what you ordered this time.

   My emotional support dog after spending a day with me. Dog: Drinks a 5th of vodka and chain-smokes non-filter cigarettes.

   My wife and I do this role play, where she tells me all the things that need to be fixed around the house and I pretend this is the first time I’m hearing about it. 😂