Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I identify as Non-Bidenary.

   Never interrupt your opponent while he's making a mistake.

   You can’t change someone who doesn’t see an issue with their actions.

   If you’re not happy single, try dating apps. You’ll still be single, but you’ll appreciate it a lot more.

   According to my chocolate calendar, there are only three days left until Valentine’s Day.

   Trillion-dollar propaganda machine vs. people putting funny words on pictures.

   When today’s safety meeting is about what you did yesterday.

   Places finger on cop’s lips ~ “Shhh…. We were both speeding, okay? I forgive you.”

   That moment when you miss one step on the stairs, and you think you’re about to die.

   When you see your-self as Robin Hood, Prince of Jokes. Stealing from group to feed another, spreading joy across the land.

   Alien: I found this, (picks up cat) it’s vibrating.

   Wonder if the skulls of your enemies are dishwasher safe. Asking for a friend.

   Why are you listening to broken headphones? So, people don’t talk to me.

   Research has shown that laughing for two minutes is just as healthy as a twenty-minute jog. Now I’m sitting at the park, laughing at all the joggers.

   Twitter files released. MSM: “What files? ~ Space Man Bad”

   2020 We aren’t allowed to go in public. 2022 We can’t afford to go in public.

   My favorite part of winter is when it’s over.

   Lucky for you, mirrors can't laugh out loud.

   Start each day with a positive thought like; “in 16 hours, I can go back to bed.”

   I’m all out of snacks. What else do people do for fun? 🤔