andrew jackson Funny Status Messages
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Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it's under the couch in the other room.
I have nothing to update. I'm just making it look like I'm doing something at a party so people won't talk to me.
Billion dollar idea. A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell "I'm just cooking!"
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
I'd like to give that Baltimore mom 10 min alone with Congress and a wooden spoon.
My best childhood memory was falling asleep on the couch and waking up in bed…. I miss teleporting. It never happens to me anymore.
can operate a robot on another planet, but yet I'm still struggling to get this vending machine to take my wrinkled dollar.
So, what are all us fortunate people complaining about today?
I would like to learn one of those clicking languages from Africa because I get the feeling my knees are trying to tell me something.
If being successful was an amusement park, I'd be the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can't get out.
Dating these days must be so hard, because how do you know somebody loves you if they don’t make you a mix tape?
Getting so many spam emails. “Grow Your Hair Back”…"Lose weight now" ...”Enlarge your manhood”… Wait… these are from my wife.
Hangman is a great game to teach kids that if they don't learn how to spell, they could be put to death.
Call me crazy, but I really prefer the term mentally ill
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That's my kid telling a story.
Math question: There are 36 Oreos in a 14.3oz package. If Mike eats 3 of those cookies, how many minutes before he's like screw it and eats the rest?
I’ve set my “life goals” to stuff I’ve already done so literally every day now I’m overachieving. It’s all about perspective.
My coworkers will stand around confused during a fire drill but the office turns into the Hunger Games when there's lunch brought in for everyone
Hi, welcome to adulthood! You’ll be constantly tired except for right before you need to go to sleep
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn't stop that murder.
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