CzovCzov Funny Status Messages

   "Can we talk for a minute?" is code for, "I am going to ruin the next 6 hours of your life with this bad news here."

   My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.

   The only thing preventing me from smashing my alarm clock against the wall in the morning is the fact that it's also my cellphone.

   My phone just autocorrected kindergarten to Kardashian and that, people, is exactly what is wrong with this world.

   The only thing my girlfriend blows is everything out of proportion.

   I hate when people say 'I'm a vegetarian except for fish.' Right, and I'm a virgin except for all that sex I had.

   If steroids and other performance enhancing drugs are illegal for athletes, shouldn't Photoshop be illegal for models?

   Spread your lies elsewhere, turkey bacon.

   Yes there's plenty of fish in the sea, but don't forget about the sharks, seaweed, oil spills, toxic waste and the Somali pirates.

   My boss hates it when I shorten his name to D!ck, Especially since his name is Steve.

   If your religion is worth killing for, then do us all a favour and start with yourself.

   You had me at 0 mutual friends

   Its called KARMA and its pronounced "Ha ha you got served what you deserve"

   When a couple asks me for directions,I know that the wife is forcing the guy to ask.That's why I give them wrong ones to teach her a lesson.

   At the cinema. ME: Two tickets please! CASHIER: For the Hobbit? ME: How dare you sir, she's my date.

   Suicide Bomber Training: "Pay attention because I'm only going to show you this once..."

   Many women say a guy who makes them laugh is all they want. They fail to mention all the things it takes to put them in the mood to laugh.

   If you had to choose between your significant other and a million dollars, what's the first thing you'd buy?

   I've been told by several women that I'm a great listener. A majority of whom, have huge boobs.

   I tried ordering one of Justin Bieber's CDs for my niece's birthday on Amazon. Amazon said "costumers who bought this also bought a rope and a stool."