Funny Status Messages

   Never interrupt your opponent while he's making a mistake.

   "Living well is the best revenge" Me: *googles second best revenge*

   Start each day with a positive thought like; “in 16 hours, I can go back to bed.”

   Tried being normal once, it was the most boring ten minutes of my life.

   If you had a scratch and sniff map of the world, what would your current location smell like?

   The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years without a brain is good news for you.

   Be wary of half-truths, you may get the wrong half.

   When they can’t control or manipulate you, they smear you. 😔

   Me: My dog is probably thinking about other dogs. My dog: “What was Scar’s name before he got that scar?”

   Sometimes the universe puts you in the same situation again to see if you’re still stupid.

   It’s time for the 99% of us who are not offended by everything to quit catering to the 1% who are.

   Zuckerberg is responsible for my multiple profile disorder.

   Her: You haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said. Him: That’s a weird way to start a conversation.

   Beginning to see the need for censorship. Certain people are just too ignorant to be allowed to speak.

   Some of my friends exercise every day. Meanwhile, I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell in the floor.

   Someone asked me if I had plans for the fall. It took me a moment to realize that they meant autumn, and not the collapse of civilization.

   All my updates come with an extra helping of cornbread dressing. While supplies last.

   You: I’m offended, you can’t say that! Me: Noooo, I can, I did, and I probably will again.

   It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while, to remind yourself why you don’t go out.

   How about taco Wednesday’s, no one has ever done that before.