Funny Status Messages

   I just started using the new Timeline on Facebook. Maybe I can trace my life back to when I actually gave a sh!t.

   Don't take this the wrong way, but you shouldn't be allowed to be a person.

   My wife said she is losing her mind. I said "I'm not surprised. You've been giving me a piece of it every day for the past 25 years." Actually, sleeping on the couch with the dog is not so bad. It sort of reminds me of camping out.

   When someone says "You just made my day," it makes my day..

   Does this hot water bottle and 12 cats in my bed make me look like I've given up on life?

   DESPERATION is exactly what I look for in a woman.

   True colors always shine through smokescreens.

   The most valuable contribution social networking sites have made to my life is showing me how ridiculous it was to have ever been intimidated by or feel less than the people I went to high school with.

   If only I could get that wonderful feeling of accomplishment without having to accomplish anything.

   if your'e on top of the world, it tuns around every 24 hours.

   Hating people is like burning down your own house to get rid of a rat. Thank god I dont have a house!

   Ability is what will get you to the top if the boss has no daughter.

   I’m small but influential. Like bacteria or Tom Cruise.

   Went ice fishing yesterday. Caught over a hundred pounds, but most of it melted by the time I got home.

   Congratulations on becoming a homeowner! From now on, every noise you hear will cost you money.

   If you have alphabet fridge magnets and morals you probably shouldn't invite me over.

   Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.

   People should mute themselves on conference calls when they are crossing a battlefield and killing enemies to get to the next level.

   Imagine how out of control drinking would if we didn't have hangovers!?!

   I have not yet begun to procrastinate.