Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I apologize for the coin shortage. I started a swear jar.

   We are gonna have to retire the phrase “avoid it like the plague” because it turns out people don’t do that.

   Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.

   In China it's considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.

   I'm amazed that my iPhone suddenly stopped working just in time as the new iPhone came out.

   Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal

   My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.

   Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents. What level of hell is this?

   If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake. – birds

   Everyone romaine calm and lettuce pray.

   I like being invited to things, it’s the showing up that bothers me.

   Why is it I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while bears get to use Charmin?

   "Thank-you Robert Kraft and R. Kelly!" - Jussie Smollett

   Thank you, True Crime, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.

   I'm no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.

   Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.

   Single white sock seeks same.

   I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don't own a halter top or cut-off shorts.

   The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.

   The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.