Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   With the pandemic ending, the people who yell at others about masks are in danger of never feeling important again.

   Remembers when the only fake news was the National Inquirer

   Just pulled on a nose hair and one of my pubes disappeared.

   You can’t play it safe and have fun; but with fun, there comes a price.

   I need a leaf blower, but for people.

   Honestly, it's not the way I look that reveals my age. It's my use of complete sentences, proper grammar and spelling when I text.

   They say "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer." The problem is, I can't tell the difference anymore.

   Breaking News: North Korea missile test delayed due to problems with Windows 3.1x

   It's really ironic that I mostly use my driver's license to buy stuff that impairs my ability to drive.

   America: the only country in the world where not wearing a seat-belt carries a bigger penalty then letting hackers steal 143 million citizens social security numbers, bank info, drivers licenses and credit cards...

   I saw a hipster wearing socks because it’s so cold.

   The people that are trying to make the world worse never take a day off, why should I? Light up the darkness.

   Now that the government has re-opened I guess I have to stop removing these mattress tags

   Word of the Day: Intaxication - That brief period of euphoria you feel between receiving a tax refund and then realizing it was your money to begin with.

   This is Assumption Club. I think we all know why we are here.

   Its still winter because Mother Nature saw all our summer bodies and decided we weren't ready yet.

   Dear Amazon, I bought a vacuum filter from you because that model is hard to find. It was necessary, not because I am fond of them. I am not a vacuum filter collector. No matter how many ads you display, or emails you send me, I am not desperate for more.

   It looks like T-Mobile and Sprint are getting married. And to prove that things won't change, there will be no reception.

   Ironic that my kids can't remember to say the "please" word but boy do they remember the word I used that one time in heavy traffic last year.

   Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.