GaryKoenig Funny Status Messages

   If you really can't stand someone, lend them $100 dollars. Chances are, you'll never see them again.

   Holiday tip: If any of you receive a call from a telemarketer and there's a kid under 5 years old nearby, hand the kid the phone and tell them its Santa.

   Nurse: There's a man in the waiting room who thinks he's invisible. What should I tell him? Doctor: Tell him I can't see him today.

   I just killed a huge mouse. Ripped it to bits. The staff at Disneyland is furious.

   Most people want a perfect relationship. I just want a hamburger that looks like the one on the menu.

   Marriage tip: We live in a day of women's equality! So because of this, never ever get your wife's door in the car for her, or open a door for her. Let her do it herself, because hey, equal rights, right?

   Waking up is never easy but I just have to remember that the world can't revolve around me unless I get out of bed.

   Money can't buy you happiness. But somehow it's much more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than on a bicycle.

   You women may be surprised to learn, that making us sleep on the couch isn't that bad. It's kinda manly, makes us feel like we are camping... with a really angry bear nearby.

   I wonder how was God able to find some wise men when most of us men don't even know how to stop and ask for directions when we're lost?

   Some people need to forget about the fountain of youth and start looking for the fountain of common sense!

   The reason why the NFL doesn't have very many women referees is because they would be too busy bringing up penalties from 10 years ago.

   Whatever you got to do today, do it with the confidence of a 4yr old in a Batman cape.

   I'll give credit where credit is due but I ain't gonna applaud a fish for swimming.

   Legend says, when you can't sleep at night, it's because you're awake in someone else's dream. So if everyone could stop dreaming about me that'd be great.

   I finally realized it... People are prisoners of their phones. That's why they are called cell phones.

   At any given time, the urge to sing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" is just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away.

   n't it funny how sharks can smell blood, dogs can smell drugs - but some people can't smell themselves when they need deodorant?

   Social media has taught me a few things. First, there are some incredibly brilliant people in the world. Second, they are greatly outnumbered.

   I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early. *Runs Amazon van off the road