Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you watch Godzilla vs King Kong backwards it's about two monsters who forget their differences and build a city.

   It only took three years but I finally finished eating that box of taquitos from Costco.

   Nothing makes me feel like a founding father like still remembering how to write in cursive.

   me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] "no person wants this many birds"

   I bought some new "London Bridge Jeans" They keep falling down.

   Three things I’m thankful for this time of year: Family, Friends and Caller ID to avoid the first two things.

   Doctors say that your attention span is like a muscle that can be strengthened. I didn't read the rest of the article because I saw a shiny thing.

   what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself

   Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it* Old man standing next to me: Ouch!

   I can't believe I was late for work tomorrow

   Got caught daydreaming about sleep again at work today

   I want to take a moment to thank my skeletal system for being so supportive all these years.

   If I ever find the idiot who decided that it was a brilliant idea to put un-skipable adverts in the middle of a video.

   My car has an interesting feature, a rotating fuel tank equipped with a sensor. So whichever side of a gas pump I pull up to, my fuel tank is on the other side of the car.

   Just because you can see my teeth, don't assume I'm smiling

   I'm suffering from Insania. Its sort of like Insomnia, only its the voices in my head that cant sleep.

   I remember back when my "car seat" was the back window shelf of my mom's 63 Plymouth Valiant

   It is the year 2048. Colleges are offering courses in selfie angles.

   Sleep more securely with a knife under your pillow in case someone breaks in the house with cake

   I am planning to enjoy my evening with the in-laws tonight by filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls