Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs? Nobody works at Walmart?

   to the people who put antlers and a red rudolph nose on your car for christmas, you can’t fool me I know that’s a car

   The night before a day off is more satisfying than the actual day off

   Since I'm getting older I've been thinking about my health. Should I work out 2 hrs a day like Jack Lalanne who was 96? Or chain smoke cigars like George Burns who lived to be 100?

   I cannot believe all of these people are out! -Me when I’m out

   Masks hanging from the rearview mirror are the new fuzzy dice.

   I love coffee, but if someone with a British accent offers me crumpets and tea, l would totally cheat.

   If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you're walking

   Next time a telemarketer calls, hit 'em with an "I love you" right off the bat. Just keep saying it, no matter what they say..

   I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.

   Happy birthday to Alexander Graham Bell. In his honor, I’ll be calling in sick.

   New Commandment: 11. Thou shalt not COVID thy neighbor.

   Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?

   A guy at Kroger asked me if I know where Engagement, Ohio is. I said it's between Dayton and Marion.

   Pro Tip: If you wear a face mask your coworkers can't smell the alcohol on your breath.

   Obviously stupidity is much more contagious than Covid19

   Acknowledge many, trust few, but always paddle your own Canoe

   The Lysol commercial said I should disinfect what I touch the most but I have a feeling that's gonna burn.

   What does "colder than hell" mean? Isn't everyplace colder than hell?

   It's pretty amazing how many times my daughter likes to say "it's not fair!" considering she has never had to pay taxes