Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Thinking of making a horror movie titled Front Facing Camera

   When a solicitor calls, I just hand the phone to my 8-year-old and tell him this nice lady wants to hear every last detail about your Minecraft village.

   If I know one thing for sure it's that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they'd eaten more celery.

   Walmart is asking customers to wear masks. Good luck with that. They can't even get them to wear pants...

   i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year

   If TuPac and Biggie were still alive Kanye would be folding T-Shirts at the Gap right about now.

   If you think human beings have evolved a lot. Look at how much Egyptians worshiped cats... Then go look at Facebook for about 5 minutes.

   A message to whoever stole my shoes while I was playing in the ball pit at Chucky Cheese yesterday.. GROW UP!!

   I asked my wife why she married me. She said “Because you are funny.” I said “I thought it was because I was good in bed.” She said “See? You’re hilarious!” FML

   The best Safeword you can use is "Meatloaf." It means "I would do anything for love but I won't do that."

   The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.

   If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.

   At this point in my marriage, showering together is just a convenient way to check for ticks.

   Every Halloween I turn on Unchained Melody, and sit in front of a pottery wheel in the hopes that Patrick Swayze will return.

   Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation

   "I look ridiculous!" --First wolf in sheep's clothing

   My Mom finally brought my Dad’s urn into the living room and placed it on the mantle. It caught everyone a little off guard including my Dad who was just sitting there watching Duck Dynasty.

   You knew it was coming: Marvel has fallen to the Woke Mob, introduces trans superheroes.

   I do not like your mental haze. I do not like your leftist ways. I do not like your son on blow. I do not like you Sleepy Joe.

   I say we legalize all drugs at the Olympics. Let's see how fast these MF's can run!