CzovCzov Funny Status Messages

   Didn't leave home today. It was too peopley out there.

   My GPS sighs and rolls its eyes every time it says "Recalculating".

   If you are talking to me and I appear as if I'm attentively listening, I'm probably just silently correcting your grammar in my head.

   Don't ask to use my Phone, and then start going through my photos, contacts, messages and call history, unless you want to meet God before I do.

   Feeling stressed about something? Ask yourself, “Will this really matter after I've had a few drinks?”

   Just once I'd like to see a stripper do the "Carlton" on stage.

   Relationship status: I've developed a high tolerance for pepper spray.

   Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that sh*t quick.

   A huge ass spider crawled across my bed and now I can't sleep because the firefighters are here putting out the mattress flames.

   For 20 yrs Jay-Z referred to other men's daughters as b!tches & hoes then decides his own daughter Princess Baby Jesus is exempt from the game!

   I got a lot more sleep back when phones were only used for calling people.

   In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.

   The smallest compliment from the right person, changes the whole game.

   I once won an argument with a woman…in this dream I had.

   Screw coffee, I want whatever this happy singing bird is on. Times three.

   The best part about waking up Sunday morning is knowing that sex can be more than a quickie and you can sip your coffee instead of gulping it.

   I was seeing a therapist for trust issues, but I had to quit going when I found out he was seeing other patients.

   Sex is great and all, but have you ever had someone scratch your back exactly where it itches?

   Sometimes I wish you could ask the pharmacist to "make it a double".

   I can tell by the way you give me instructions that you've dealt with a lot of dumb people before me.