Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.

   If I were a cannibal I'd only eat vegetarians, just for the irony...

   I'm so old that the only room I can go into and remember why is the bathroom.

   The most terrifying moment in life is when the toilet refuses to flush at someone else's house

   The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.

   Look I'm not saying I'm old, but when I was young rainbows were black and white..

   How good am I at the sex? Imgaine a symphonic rock concert played under a fireworks show while tripping on acid. I'm the opposite of that.

   Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests

   CDC just announced dudes can stop wearing skinny jeans.

   Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that marriage should be between a person who don’t like pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.

   I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know y.

   Can't think of a better way to end pride month

   If you’ve never lost your mind, you’ve never followed your heart.

   Blood is red, ultraviolet lights are blue, I’ve seen enough murder shows, they will never find you.

   My therapist told me I need to take the time to find myself. Took me all of 5 minutes. There was a mirror in the bathroom. Who's the smart one now Doc?

   I’m vaccinated, but I still want you to stay away from me.

   Glass coffins, will they be popular? Remains to be seen.

   Mice die in mouse traps because they don’t understand why the cheese is free. The same thing happens with leftists.

   Go practice spitting out teeth and I'll be over there in a minute.

   The further a society drifts from the truth, The more it will hate those who speak it...