Funny Status Messages
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Where can I go now to get a good vodka, steak and mortgage? 
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!” This day is looking better already!
The only thing shocking about people on the red carpet now is when they touch something metal
I've got an idea for a house flipping show but it's just me watching my kids demolish every room
Every fad becomes a punchline. We build things up jus to knock them down.
My dad knew I was going to be a comedian. When I was a baby, he said, 'Is this a joke?
I can't believe I'm still having nightmares about Sharknado.
I think my song is "Let It Go" because whenever I mention love, they sing it.
Watching the hilights of the rockets yesterday and it looked like Harden had his talent stole by the Monstars #spacejam3
Grading system for students in India: A - Average B - Below average C - Can't have dinner D - Don't come home F - Find a new family
Have I ever been in a stable relationship? I’m not into livestock, you sick twist. What’s wrong with you? Why did your mind even go there?
I should have been more careful then making my New Year's resolution to hang out with more than two of my Facebook friends in 2020
Going viral? That's a GOOD thing now? Where was this internet thing when I was going viral in 80s
gettin extra faded in honor of mini me
So, now that Conor no longer has a place in boxing and in the octagon, I heard WWE is hiring.
My favorite part about switching back to standard time is getting to relive the last hour of my life. A real live 'do-over'
Anyone not doing anything except looking at Facebook, or not doing anything because you're looking at Facebook, want to hang out?
She said she loves me but her PMS just showed up today
When science realized they mistakenly agreed to take my body they offered to pay my cryogenics bill indefinitely.
brb getting down to business to defeat the Huns 