Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The thing I don't like about Twitter is don't give you enough room to write all your thoughts out and you always end up cutting short every sente

   Waiter: What would you like? Me: I’ll have the Double Deep Fried McMeme Supreme with extra spicy cream.

   Whoever discovered DNA, I hate that person so much. We can't even get away with crimes these days. This sucks ass!

   Love Sunday bourbon but sometimes "message failed to send," is your four leaf clover

   Looking for meaningless likes and retweets? Post something about candy corn.

   Breast reduction is just another way a woman has to get something off her chest.

   My dating life has been so bad since the coronavirus I asked my Alexa if she could be my girlfriend who said no I like you but only as friends.

   Just watch the movie Tenet. It felt like a glorifed Back to the Future. Except with more plot holes.

   I probably would be celebrating St Valentine's today but I have scruples and can't forgive Madonna for dating that male dancer Ahlamalik Williams.

   The problem with quotes by famous people you see on Facebook is you never know if they're authentic or not. Albert Einstein,

   I just want to make you hot. Mess your hair up. Get your blood flowing. When I chase you around the house over the last piece of pizza.

   Now that Valentine's Day is over and cake candy and flowers are 50% off, if anyone's interested I'm single!

   I avoided the fat little chubby kid with wings carrying a weapon and marking myself safe after The Saint Valentine's Day Massacre.

   Just remembered that it's Halloween and won't be getting any trick-or-treaters this year, which is all good as I might need my fast food condiments to help survive the Coronavirus.

   millennial: I wish for death boomer genie: did you say debt millennial: no boomer genie: too late

   Over the top, over the top, over the top. Stop with the Jan Brady already .

   Whoever said "Rome wasn't built in a day" needed to log out of Facebook.

   we would like some pollen

   I think the word alimony should be spelled aliMOANy

   I would love to incite a fight after a UB40 concert.