Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.

   "I'm so hungry I could eat a-" *walks by burger joint* "nope, had one yesterday" *walks by hot dog stand* "closer" *walks by stable* "HORSE"

   Imagine letting your crush copy your assignment and then she gets a 3 out of 100%. After how long wil you be able to propose to her?

   I love my robotic vacuum cleaner that saves so much time and effort!...as long as I don't have to spend like an hour looking for it under furniture or in corners or wherever it got stuck and died.

   From 10 to 250 and RISING.

   If you're pausing for dramatic effect.... just keep it going

   Wonder why I'm such a night owl who who stays up all night?

   Ok guys Halloween is over take off your masks

   Time to lose a little weight from the holidays with my guaranteed to work weight loss program that's called "Log Out of Facebook"

   I got 352 likes Facebook post and somehow I feel I should get some sort of Facebook consolation prize, or something.

   The only change in my life is tha I'm consuming more food than before because nothings here to stop me

   I know I’m paranoid, but am I paranoid enough?

   Now that Hugh Hefner has passed away, do the bunnies get the house?

   What's with all the hearts on Facebook?

   I survived the polar vortex like some kind of post apocalyptic warrior.

   Digital world explained simply. Earlier -First thing in the morning - Toothpaste. Now -First thing in the morning - Copy Paste.

   Don't feel bad if no one talks to you on social media sites as all we could do is type.

   Yeah, I've always heard of it, and the young and old, but the fact is that we have to be awake for a few days ago by the end of the season.

   I've always been a night owl who likes to get up early. See my dilemma?

   Go jump in a lake! No I mean like literally, it's good to do on hot days like this.