Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   In terms of fractions, the football quarterback is more revered than the halfback or the fullback. Does that mean if there was an eighthback, he'd be considered Godlike?

   I never make the same mistake twice. I make it five or six times, just to be sure.

   Cancer is like being on an airplane falling from the sky and praying that the pilot can pull it out.

   I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone

   Q. What has red hair, big shoes and lives in a test tube? A. Bozo the Clone.

   I had a thought, and then I had another thought. They bounced off each other and now I can't find either one.

   IF you had to lay down on your bed to zip up your jeans this morning you might wanna consider calling in thick today.

   When a woman asks you to guess her age, it's like deciding whether to cut the blue, red, or green wire to diffuse a bomb.

   If I truly posted what was on my mind, I'd most likely be in a psychiatric hospital right now.

   I didn't even realize how broke I was until someone stole my identity and it ruined their life.

   I don't want to be a millionaire. I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping my gas.

   Donald Trump is an idiot

   For the first time ever in CNN's polling, a majority disapprove of Trump on the economy. And it's a clear majority: 56%. It's begun.

   What game do you wanna play... 'B@lls on Chin?' The only words spoken by the pedoprez in 3 months to his son Barron 😂

   Then there was the blind prostitute. You really gotta hand it to her....

   Nothing like a hot bowl of beef stew on a cold, smowy night.

   No tax on tips, OT, and SSI…but the Left says no. If Biden had tried this they’d cream their non binary panties in joy.

   Alabama man pardoned by Biden just arrested again for drugs and guns. Great job by the autopen.

   Hi

   If you miss a payment on a Tesla it can just drive itself back to the dealership