Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I’m really glad we don’t have to hunt our own food anymore…. I don’t even know where sandwiches live.

   Marriage tip: Whenever you do something good for your wife, make sure to let her know. For example: "Hey honey, I put all the laundry by the laundry machine. That way you can wash the clothes after you get done with dinner."

   I couldn't get a reservation at my local library. They were booked!!!

   Wonders if it was Cliff and Claire Huxtable, who TF were The Cosby's?

   Knick-knack patty-whack

   Not to brag, but I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of the year.

   Remember when we had to smack the TV because it wasn't working right? I feel that way about some people.

   Jack The Ripper would be a great name for a fitness trainer.

   n't it funny how red, white, and blue represent freedom until they're flashing behind you?

   M*G* children always look inbred. I'm not trying to insult y'all. I'm just bringing up a point. Their eyes, they're always a little too far apart. And they always have this look on their face. Like they're being touched at night or something.

   We really are loving these stories of people who voted for him, who lost their jobs. And they go on the news, and they cry about it and they worry about their families. This, has been our favourite thing to watch. It personally gives me a raging hard-on.

   Imagine telling Denmark they "don't do enough" for people in Greenland, when BOTH countries HAVE universal healthcare AND YOURS DOESN'T 😂

   Life tip: if someone comes out of a bathroom sweating, Please do not go in that bathroom.

   The War on Drugs only resulted in more drugs. The War on Terrorists only resulted in more terrorists. Maybe we should have a war on Baby Formula.

   Rockville: A butt load of 3rd rate bands that would have never attained the low level of success they've achieved if it weren't for the internet.

   Just a reminder: Walmart will be closed on Christmas Day so both cashiers can be with their families.

   Ew a lair

   Hip hop, flip-flop

   If ever you feel angry toward someone, take a deep breath, count to 10, and then throw a punch at 8. Nobody expects that.

   Robert Kraft fired Patriots coach Jerod Mayo. This was clearly condiment related.