Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Legend says, when you can't sleep at night, it's because you're awake in someone else's dream. So if everyone could stop dreaming about me that'd be great.

   Did our government only admit to UFO's because we're going to start sending their planets money for aid?

   Inflation: Payback for all that free Trump money. Happy weekend!

   I wonder if the guy who coined the term "One Hit Wonder" ever came up with any other phrases.

   I made instant coffee in the microwave. I went back in time.

   US military enrolment has plummeted the last three months because no one wants to join while he is in office 🤣

   A New York plastic surgeon has announced that he is creating “vacation breasts,” which are implants that would last two to three weeks. That’s amazing, isn’t it? Who gets a three-week vacation?

   To whom it may concern, If you are reading this, that means there’s not a thing you can do about it now.

   I'm so embarrassed to be a US citizen now.

   The USA is embarrassed that you're a citizen.

   Big investigation to see how much insider training was done. This is huge.

   As I sit here kind of hazy, I wonder is it me, or all the rest who are crazy?

   We cannot direct the wind, but we can adjust the sails!

   I wish I was a broad so I could look at my b00bs. Wait. I have b00bs. Never mind.

   I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.

   Summer is just around the corner. I can tell because the UPS guy asked me to put sun block on his legs.

   Beedo Boop Bop Beeda Beep Boop Lop Bleeda Bee eezz ... you've got mail !!

   it considered sexual assault if a midget walks up to you and says you hair smells nice?

   Kid: Do you like corn on the cob? Me: I like it in my mouth! Ha ha.

   So does the voice that gives us the weather warnings have a name??