Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Got pulled over by the cops last night & he asked me if I had a police record. I said, "Yes...'Every Breath You Take' & 'Don't Stand So Close to Me'

   The coffee shop had a sign that said: “No WiFi, pretend it’s 1973!” So, I paid 10 cents for my coffee and lit a cigarette.

   So, like... no one's talking about eggs anymore?

   Gas prices going down due to oil falling. lets here you whiners now.

   5 ants rented an apartment with another 5 ants. Now they're tenants.

   shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs

   With high gas prices don't forget to tip your food delivery drivers paying for their own gas or go get it yourself.

   A Karen just yelled at me in a parking lot that dressing up as a hobo for Halloween is offensive to the homeless people. But I was just wearing my regular clothes.

   Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer?... More like Rudolph the Brown-Nosing Reindeer.

   I'll give credit where credit is due but I ain't gonna applaud a fish for swimming.

   I will restart the entire song if you breathe too loud over my favorite part

   it possible to get herpes over the internet? Asking for a friend who's dead meat when my wife, I mean his wife finds out. Come on, she was hot!

   His numbers are plummeting. Fun to watch 🥳

   I give it a week until someone starts selling dire-doodle puppies.

   "Sometimes you just need to disconnect and enjoy your own company"

   I just hate it when I buy a bag of air and there's chips in it.

   Gary Koenig. King of stealing other's jokes.

   I have plenty of mini boxes of raisins for the Trick-Or-Treaters. (Yeah, I'm THAT guy...)

   When people got too hammered in the 70s: “He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”

   The problem with daylight savings time is around midnight you start to feel like you're struggling to stay awake before you realize it's only 7:00 p.m.