Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When it comes to jokes about elves, I'm a little short.

   I prefer Triamcinolone over Desitin for my abdominal fold rash.

   since twitter doubled the length of tweets, does that mean now I double the name? I'm gonna go post a tweet tweet

   I met a farmer who genetically altered a turkey legs. I asked him how it tasted. He said he didn't know. He couldn't catch it.

   A farmer friend of mine is really upset today. His wife sent him a Deere John letter.

   You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.

   Hey, 'Crats. Congratulations on losing the election in Florida yesterday to the 'Publicans. We still control the House. Your party is over. Bye bye now.

   Wrapping some Christmas presents and just want to say that if any of you get a really nice pair of scissors from me I need them back.

   Trumps diaper could easily be seen through his pants today on the golf course. HILARIOUS!!!!

   I don't care how old I get. If I'm in a store and I see a toy with "Try Me" on it, I'm pushing those buttons.

   Theme parks can snap a crystal clear picture of you on a rollercoaster at 70mph. But bank cameras can't get a clear shot of a bank robber standing still.

   I let a lot of stuff slide cause prison don't serve the food I like.

   Wisdom: A friend of mine had two small kidney stones. He didn't want surgery so he went to the bathroom and "wisdom" out.

   A bill collector called and said, "Your bill is now a year old". I said, "Tell it happy birthday" and hung up.

   Elon Musk gone git Twitter so we can have are freedom to spread misinformation once again, h'yck, h'yck...

   Joke telling advice: If you tell a joke and nobody laughs, you're not going to improve the situation by yelling, "Ha! Ha! Ya get it?!!"

   Burger King - We don’t snitch.

   Nissans are fast, BMWs are faster, but Teslas are definitely the fascist!

   I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me

   Santa, you must be the bravest man around. Who else would let a bunch of deer pull them around in a sleigh during deer season?