Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Marriage tip: Let me teach you about dishes. When you come down to the kitchen and see a sink full of dishes, if you're the husband just ignore it! Just let them pile up higher and higher until your wife gets tired of seeing them and does them herself! ðŸ

   That moment when you realize that 1935 - 1980 is as far as 1980 -2025

   It ain't the dems. It's dem niqqers.

   Our parents invented fondue parties, which was just inviting your friends over to eat cheese-and I can't express how disappointed I am in us that we let that tradition slip by.

   In 3,025 years, life will either be really good or really bad. It's 5050.

   The dating pool nowadays could use a little chlorine.

   Don’t forget to pay your taxes by April 15 because 30+ million illegal aliens are depending on you

   I feel like someone should've warned Travis Kelce about the crazy...

   If you really can't stand someone, lend them $100 dollars. Chances are, you'll never see them again.

   My boss asked me to start off the meeting with a joke. So I passed around my pay stub.

   So, is Donald Trump going to slap a tariff on Mail-Order Brides from China? Asking for a friend.

   I'm not in favor of anyone destroying other people's property. But I have to say I love seeing a lot less Tesla Cybertrucks on the road.

   Every news agency reported that the capsule landed in the Gulf of Mexico and I’m sure the most petty man in the universe was fuming.

   Instagram: Hispanic women with big rear-ends whose entire bodies will resemble pumpkins with legs when they turn 50.

   Tom Cruise got his line all tangled on his rod & reel. It made Fishin' Impossible

   NOT 1 MAN ANYWHERE IN HISTORY HAS EVER LOOKED AT A WOMAN AND SAID , YEA SHE'S PRETTY BUT IF ONLY SHE DREW HER EYEBROWS ON SHE'D BE SMOKIN HOT .

   I have a love/hate relationship with Daylight Saving Time. I love it in the evening, but I hate it in the morning.

   Guys lose their minds over a smelly, hairy hole that emits urine, blood and babies. Trust me, I'm one of those guys.

   Holiday tip: If any of you receive a call from a telemarketer and there's a kid under 5 years old nearby, hand the kid the phone and tell them its Santa.

   When you're at Lowes and hear "Special assistance needed in the blind cutting area" I would hope so... That sounds dangerous...