Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party

   Regular unleaded: Willie Nelson, Plus unleaded: Snoop Dog, Supreme unleaded: Hunter Biden

   They got that $1,200. $600. And $1,400. Back in gas, food and rent.

   Why don’t you take a break from disappointing me.

   Girls are like strawberries, sometimes they’re at the grocery store.

   Elon Musk spent 44 billion sending woke narcissists into a spiral of depression and honestly, it was money well spent.

   You’re only as good as your last haircut.

   The left is like, I paid $7.00 for gal. gas, $8.00 for gal. milk, rent is twice my monthly income, there’s shortages of everything, crime is surging, the world’s on the brink of chaos, but I’m happy because Trump isn’t in office.

   At the end of the day we are all human beans and together we will rice. Lettuce pray, ramen.

   I’m so old, I remember when people were well mannered.

   Anybody driving faster than you is a maniac, and anyone going slower than you is a moron.

   Kamala Harris sounds like an 8 year old that didn’t read the book, but is trying to give a book report based solely on the cover.

   People who think men can get pregnant are suddenly concerned about misinformation on Twitter if Elon owns it.

   There once was a chap named Joe Biden, some think he’s as old as Poseidon. His panicking staff, locked the lord of the gaffe, in a basement where he is still hidin’.

   People should have to pass a sense of humor test before they’re allowed on social media.

   You think putting a pineapple ring on a canned ham is baking? No wonder your cat left you.

   One sure sign of success is the presence of an unnecessary waterfall in a person’s yard.

   Women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe. So basically, a clown ninja.

   If you’re going to be thinking, you may as well think big.

   If you’re shorter than 4 foot your pronouns are, eeny-meeny-miny-moe.