Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I love to change the world but I don't know what to do, so I leave it up to you to wear a mask. Ten Years After,

   Teacher: "Billy give me a sentence with the words defence, defeat, and detail in it." Bily: "When a horse jumps defence, defeat go first then detail.

   There's definitely a psychosis attached to being overweight. All f@t chicks are weird.

   My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.

   I'm not an alcoholic I'm just always down to drink. Huge difference 😭

   bert: I want a divorce wife: are u… bert: don’t wife: *holding in laughter* are you sherbert?

   Years ago, I was all set to marry the man of my dreams. On the day we were supposed to elope, he didn’t show up. It took me a year or two to accept he didn’t marry me because he didn’t know I existed, I was 13 and he was Sam Elliot ;-)

   While we're on the subject. I am going to see a transgender male female stripper tonight. I'm confused now. . .

   Tweeting is not a valid defense, it's like having your getaway driver testify he never saw you rob the bank.

   The streets of my city are no longer safe. I do not wish to use kung fu, but I am afraid that there is no alternative.

   I'm covering my ears like a kid When your words mean nothing, I go la la la

   I changed my passwords to incorrect, so when I forget it tells me. Your password is incorrect. . .

   Google "don't resist and you have nothing to fear" then send me your thoughts.

   I'm in my 60's and a three time a night man. So I need to cut back on the liquids I drink before going to bed.

   You can't have manslaughter without laughter.

   My dad is afraid to sleep by himself. When my mom went to vist aunt, dad had the lady from next door come over and sleep with him.

   Look, Do you think I'll now what's up in "Horny Neighbors 3" without seeing the first 2?

   I think Stephen Hawking would be alive today if his family had called an ambulance and not taken him to PC World?

   what do you call it when a mom orders combo #5? ...mombo number 5 (now you're singing it)

   Do you know who I think I'am?