Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Traitor Joe: Hmmm,, how can I regain people's trust AND sell groceries at the same time?

   Critiquing what local business owners do with their hands on 30 second spots since 1984.

   Just hope that one day I'll have an infectious disease named after me.

   Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race, but then I remember there are grown ups who like Pokémon Go.

   It may be raining now but it will brighten up later on today. What time are you available?

   Who decided that the phrase should be “I’m getting dressed” instead of the more masculine “I’m getting trousered”?

   Got a notice from the HOA that I didn't post a pic of my kid at a pumpkin patch.

   Let's all gather 'round the LED campfire simulation and listen to Grandpa play his accordion app on his cellular telephone in the best Hallowen party idea ever!!!

   Make sure to put the letter "L" in the world clocks when you google grandfather clocks.

   Cupid is the perfect symbol for Valentine's Day. Because nothing fills me with love more than a fat baby firing arrows at my butt.

   Love that feature facebook has that saves so much time scrolling the news feed you can find by going to settings then scrolling down the menu to the last botton on the bottom called log out.

   Facebook's down and I am poised at conquering the world!

   We were lucky that we didnt have Exit Polls during our school times.Otherwise, our parents would have started thrashing us 3-4 days in advance of results

   Live music can sometimes take me to another place. Like today for example I saw a band who were so bad I left I went to another place spirit.

   Ever feel like the best thing in the world happens to you at the worst times?

   The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in. His head near his mother and his feet kicking my c

   Hotel clerk: May I help you? Me: Call an ambulance. HC: What happened? M: I'm not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.

   I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive Her: Have you tried dog pounds? Me: Yeah, but apparently it's 'not a real currency'

   reading rob zombie's name is a real wild ride. at first you're like "rob? ok, I know what we're dealing with here". then things get weird

   What did Tonto say when the Lone Ranger got drunk and rambled on and on in one long sentence? “White man speak with Faulknered tongue.”