Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When we go shopping, my wife thinks that I am bored because I constantly keep looking at my phone

   How can one know what someone is doing when that someone does not know what they're doing

   Make sure to put the letter "L" in the world clocks when you google grandfather clocks.

   Cupid is the perfect symbol for Valentine's Day. Because nothing fills me with love more than a fat baby firing arrows at my butt.

   Love that feature facebook has that saves so much time scrolling the news feed you can find by going to settings then scrolling down the menu to the last botton on the bottom called log out.

   Facebook's down and I am poised at conquering the world!

   We were lucky that we didnt have Exit Polls during our school times.Otherwise, our parents would have started thrashing us 3-4 days in advance of results

   Live music can sometimes take me to another place. Like today for example I saw a band who were so bad I left I went to another place spirit.

   Ever feel like the best thing in the world happens to you at the worst times?

   The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in. His head near his mother and his feet kicking my c

   Hotel clerk: May I help you? Me: Call an ambulance. HC: What happened? M: I'm not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.

   I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive Her: Have you tried dog pounds? Me: Yeah, but apparently it's 'not a real currency'

   reading rob zombie's name is a real wild ride. at first you're like "rob? ok, I know what we're dealing with here". then things get weird

   What did Tonto say when the Lone Ranger got drunk and rambled on and on in one long sentence? “White man speak with Faulknered tongue.”

   ometimes I crash parties in a swimsuit, and tell people I'm a Reverse Lifeguard keeping an eye on the land.

   Me: Honey, have you seen my beer? Wife: Did you check in the shower? Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!

   The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.

   Me: This spaghetti is spicy. Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel

   Therapy In 4 Words: Great bourbon, fluffy kittens.

   I'm judge, jury, executioner, bailiff, public defender, prosecutor, and court stenographer. These budget cutbacks are brutal