Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Already rolling my eyes in preparation for the 4/20 snap chats I get on Easter.

   You look like the kind of girl that gets her sex tips from a grocery store tabloid.

   Charlie Sheern has all this "tiger" blood I guess its only fair Tiger has a little "Charlie" blood.

   I'm not musically inclined so I orchestrate robberies.

   everyone is making a big deal about seeing an eclipse...haven't they sat down in a movie theater before?

   Fun fact: in 1930 Ruth Wakenfield invented the chocolate chip/tall house cookie by accident.

   I've come up with I sure-fire money-making product. Glow in the dark sunglasses.

   Therapy In 4 Words: Great bourbon, fluffy kittens.

   I'm judge, jury, executioner, bailiff, public defender, prosecutor, and court stenographer. These budget cutbacks are brutal

   How's my day going? I just watched a fastest fish fillet competition video and had a rooting interest for one of the participants.

   Love to use the Ouija board to pester my dead girlfriends.

   Romantic comedies have ruined women's expectations. Every time I go on a first date she thinks my best friend is LeBron James.

   Trying to decide between Best Pumbling Service and Superior Plumbing Service. Which do you think is better?

   Can you do me a favor? Take a picture of yourself, and send it to me. I am playing cards and seem to be missing the Joker |♠|♣|♥|♦|

   You know when a friend says they just don't know why they are single? And they are wearing Dansko clogs. Like they belong in a tree making cookies for Keebler? Life lesson 219....

   Pro Tip: Hula Hoops were once banned in Japan for causing "obscene movements".

   A little bit about me, I'm a Capricorn and I was named after a horse thief that had troubles maintaining an erection.

   "We don't like any of this! Wait, we LOVE this thing here!" -The Internet

   Ryan Lochte joins latest "Dancing with the Stars" cast, claims Tom Bergeron robbed him at gunpoint.

   Not to be a downer but after being gone for 33 years now I'm starting to suspect that my Dad isn't still out buying cigarettes....