Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How did I end up on the naughty list? I sold my soul to Santa as a kid for better toys. Too bad I'm dyslexic.

   If you don't JUMP OUT OF YOUR SEAT at "Streaks on the China..." from the Mr. Belvedere theme song, then get the Heck out of America.

   Because you quit carrying stuff we would buy. Also See 2a & 2b. Examples: K-Mart & Sears 3.) Some of us cannot afford said basket.

   Tonight I have a date with my Ego.

   Let's stay together = let's change the channel

   Yo, Momma got a Ticket for driving in the HOV Lane ...She told the officer "I didn't see that v up there".

   preparing for sunshine but expecting rain.

   First words I said upon waking up today were " DAVID DOESN'T CARE !!!!! " See I was woken up once again by the smut upstairs arguing and scremaing over the phone with her boyfriend David

   Breakfast and double expresso shot in the AM = $9 Monster Energy Drink and Lunch = $16.50 ....taking a nap at 4pm and waking up at 945pm. PRICELESS.

   My bracket is destroyed. I had Inga, Bjorn, and Johan in my Swede 16.

   "Ladies and gentlemen, can I please have your attention. I've just been handed an urgent and horrifying news story. I need all of you to stop what you're doing and listen..." Anchorman gets a sequel!

   Here's a good one: What's funnier than "I/'m bad...really bad". ....Everything!!!!

   let me be your next instagram

   I told a lady at work she had foundation problems. She said that I had never seen her house. True, but I could smell her face.

   if common sense was made out of chocolate you wouldnt have enought to fill a smartie...

   After several years I finaly saw the whole picture ... Damn you A.J. and Nick, you ruined the growing potential of the Backstreet Boys !! :p

   ha today is10/10/10

   Wishes Cesar Millan could wisper to these dern mosquito's and tell them to leave me the hell alone!

   The miner in best shape came out last.. You know that kocky one with the abs,"El Situacion"

   I don't believe I ever heard a man speak worse English with more difficulty, than Christiano Ronaldo in that Castrol commercial xD