Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You bound us together with your emotional handcuffs then swallowed the key. Now we're both waiting for it to come out the other end.

   Glancing in the mirror this morning, I gasped in horror. mouth opened I slowly raised my hand to my head and plucked not 1, but 2 grey hairs from my fringe line! it was at that moment in time that it finally hit me.....I'm getting old!!!

   I liked Seth Rogan better when he was George Costanza...

   So Lance Armstrong admitted to using drugs but he won't admit that he used a car instead of a bike in all his wins.

   my cat doesn't like to go outside in the cold weather. now he has a swinging gut! I'm putting him on a diet

   The neighbors love it when I practice piano. They break my window to hear me better.

   I have DirecTV...where's my genie??

   切是食品 means "cutting food" not "everything that moves is food" sheesh.

   if anyone wants lobster they can eat me

   I like you a lottle, it's like a little, except a lot.

   I have always known and understood that the idiots are in a majority so it's certain they will win.

   They say it's not the about the size of the ship but the motion of the ocean? BS... I've NEVER seen a small ship make big waves!!

   11 out of 10 centipedes go bankrupt when they go bowling.

   Shout out to pizza for giving me shin splints... Indirectly, but still.

   I feel about as lucky as a dude that is attracted to "butch" lesbians...

   Happy Catfish Day!!!

   That awkward moment when you wish someone Happy Birthday on facebook, only to realize you posted someone else's name on their wall... Darn those fb birthday notifications!

   just found 2 new nooks and 7 new crannies on his grandmother this morning.

   If your life and or feelings are are better because you're now posting anonymously... It's time to re-evaluate your life choices my friend. That's just sad. There is actually a "real world" out there.

   Only with my mother could me saying "getting old sucks" be heard as "getting oral s*x".