Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   cutting I'm cutting the sleeves off my Snuggie because it makes me look cool and after all it's summer.

   80% of the boys have girlfriend, rest 20% are having brain

   I went Clubbing with my Inuit Friends from Canada tonight. Not what I expected. Poor seals!

   We need Facebook for Dummies Asap..Because Some OF Yall Say the Dumbest Shi...

   ║▌║█║▌║▌││║▌║█║▌│║▌║█║▌║▌││║▌║ *ZAP* *BEEP* Price: $7.95

   Cleaning out the fridge is the most excitement I’ve had in weeks Surprised face, confused, followed by a little gagging

   Being in a relationship means being able to solve problems together; problems you would not have if you were single.

   Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!

   I wasn't feeling right so I went to the doctor. He told me the problem was I was half black. I said, "What should I do?" He told me to eat two watermelons and call him in the morning."

   I'm going to spend Labor Day this year putting my liver to work.

   I bought a cabin on a lake.... but there are signs all over my side of the lake saying "NO WAKE ZONE"...... now I am afraid to go to sleep.

   There's a girl in my mirror crying tonight, and there's nothing I can say to make her feel alright.

   Why is the Devil's number 666? Shouldn't it be like 911?

   i spend so much time on FB I might get married to someone on my friend list and host a FB wedding lol and Invite all my friend to the Fan Page lmao

   Phoebe's rendition on my rusty trombone last night, was so moving, it bought a tear to my eye.

   Announcing that your parents used to be cool hippies who went to Woodstock is probably not only a lie, but it also does not change the fact that they have a loser for a child.

   ♥ uʍop ǝpıısdn pןɹoʍ ʎɯ uɹnʇ noʎ ♥

   I wish some people were like Etch-A-Sketch's...when you shake the sh*t out of them they disappear.

   ...Snooki arrested at Jersey Shore for disorderly conduct. Cops let her go probably due to her strong resemblance to a donut... I'm just sayin'.

   “If you think you're somehow superior to anyone else because” you’re ugly but wealthy or you’re ugly but have higher social status “you just might be an idiot.”