Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hello welcome to marriage anonymous." Hi, I'm Todd. It's been 12 years since my last decision. I had an independent thought yesterday that I almost said aloud but I called my sponsor and we talked through it & I stayed quiet!"

   looks like I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue

   New MAGA Campaign Slogan for Pride Month: Make America Gorgeous Again.

   When I see you in hell I'll still ignore you

   Just occurred to me that because my BMI permits me to get the vaccine tomorrow, and because the vaccination will enable me to protect myself and others, my thick thighs will in fact save lives.

   I wish someone wanted to hang out just to get to know me as a person. It's like they only want what they see in a picture or a post. I want someone to see ME. Who I am.

   If you SUCK at playing the Sax , that might be your problem !

   loves Ben & Jerry's ice cream but this new "Schweddy Balls" flavor is leaving a bad taste in my mouth.

   Mentally. Physically. Faster. Stronger. Work hard. Play hard. Pray hard.

   Ne-yo once sang that he is so sick of love song, but why does he continues singing it??? weird...........

   Now these are just plain stupid. Can someone PLEASE just create one with Natural humor? Not just "forced/Trying too hard" Humor!

   My dear, I know I need Jesus...because that palm tree is way too high for me to climb and trim myself...

   "Tue, Wed, Thu, Fri, Sat, Sun, Mon." -Jamaican naming six days of the week

   If she drinks apple juice she is too young for you bro

   -A dad buys a lie detector robot, which slaps people when they lie.. so he decides to test it out a dinner. Dad: "Son, where were you today?" Son: "I was at school." The robot, slaps the boy. Son: "Okay Okay, I did drugs with a friend!" ... Dad: "What! Wh

   Snooki is pregnant with a due date on December 21st?...Touche Mayans...Touche

   my name is what, my name is who, my name is chicka chicka slim shady

   I don't care if our president lies all the time. As long as he's pushing of the Dems, that's the only thing I care about. I'm happy with that!

   Did you hear that? That was a g@y man farting without his butplug.

   Remember to wear your hoodies up today...even though it will be 90 degrees. WWTRD?