Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.

   ME: *putting two and two together* yep. it’s definitely four

   The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.

   If you say "holiyay" in front of me I'll stab you in the heart.

   SNL just call me and asked me, If I want to play a character on the show. Apparently they are running out of characters to make fun of in Trump's cabinet

   TGIF- Thank God I'm female.

   Things a pedophiles might say: On a scale of 1-10.... how old are you?

   Bad credit but still has money = Black Jew

   starving! i'm so hungry I can eat a face!!! # toosoon?

   Just ran over my neighbor's cat, but I left a note saying "Curiosity was here" I'm probably safe, right?

   I have two choices:God gave us a brain. Do I perform the Hiemlich Manuever or should you just stand there and look stupid?.........Science: -10, Religion: 1

   WTF?!? some homeless guy just dropped a stink pickle on the sidewalk in broad daylight, in the center of downtown.... Wow... Gotta love portland

   have you ever noticed that "lol" looks like some guy frantically waving his hands in the air?

   Gun control? We need bullet control! I think every bullet should cost 5,000 dollars. Because if a bullet cost five thousand dollar, we wouldn't have any innocent bystanders.

   had fun going to a Target store with a red shirt on the other day. And no, I did not have to do clean up on Aisle Eleven !

   wonders if vampires feed on diabetics when they feel like having candy!

   I never get mad enough to punch a hole in the wall, but my pillow, different story.

   ..thinks some people here have the mentality of a retarded turtle. But it's nice to see that monkeys can actually type these days. I knew that £2 a month I was donating towards the RSPCA would come to some good. Keyboard monkeys. Who'da thunk it?

   wants to pull over a police car, flash a badge & say "Fu**" Y*U for once.

   Today, I saw a commercial for the Snuggie. I thought it was stupid idea, but I couldn't change the channel because I was under a blanket and I didn't want my arms to get cold…