Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'll take opposites for 400 Alex... "the opposite of downcat"... What is updog?.."Not much what's up with you"... * Alex quits,, they shutdown show forever*

   I don’t tell my wife anything. I don’t confide in her. I don’t trust anybody. I just treat her like an acquaintance.

   girl jogging down the road in yoga pants. Of course I was checking it out. She knew to turn around and see if I was. Totally busted.

   Accidentally went to the bar and kidnapped someone again.

   These pretzels are making me thirsty. Beer!

   I'll believe Jimmy Carter's brain cancer is gone when I hear it from someone who doesn't have brain cancer.

   PRO TIP: If you see a carrot on tinder,,,,, ALWAYS swipe left

   so.... how soon is too soon to tell a family member you have been usuing there new toothbrush to clean the toilet???

   Was in the public rest room - I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice in the other stall: "Hi, how are you?"... Me: embarrassed, "Doin' fine!" Stall: "So what are you up to?"... Me: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just sitting here." Stall: "Can I come over?"

   Next person who says "I hate the heat and humidity" will learn that it's not my fist, but the impact.

   I'm a cowgirl...and you can be my cowboy...but only if you wear levis..cus wranglers strangle the boys

   The SCHOOL part of school sucks. I just like the social part.

   I had excellent grilled chicken for dinner that I'm actually enjoying the taste of my burps.

   "Sorry user has too many friend requests" - every stalker's frustration!

   trying to get in touch with his feminine side, a friend of mine bought a book called "How to Hug". Little did he know that it was actually the 9th volume of the encyclopedia!

   Not So Good Pick-up Line #7: Girl, your dad must be a lobster… because all your meat is in the tail!

   if god invented somethign better than kfc and coffee, he must of kept it to himself.

   Now I heard women have like a sixth sense to tell what a guy is thinking about..And I wanna see if its true...So what am I thinking abou tright now??...(. )( .)...Give up??

   hears....Amy has now joined Betty Ford in her clinic...w​ait...It's​ been relocated.

   been to the same shop every week for the last year just to buy Milk. Now I have 52 copies and I wouldn't even call myself a Sean Penn fan.