Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There are 2 types of clowns: registered & unregistered sex offenders

   Him: I'd like to get into your pants. Her: No thanks, one a$$hole in here is enough.

   ‪#‎TBT‬ 1990's: Street lights are on; belts off. get your ass home!

   She put her makeup on. I said : So this is how you become a ten. She said: So, this is why women leave you. Another one bites the dust.

   A new message will appear here in 15 minutes. If one does not, kindly re-read this note.

   A man climbed into a bus and the driver asked"where are you going to" the man replied "to the back seat"

   I think I've gobbled up about as much as I can gobble on Turkey Day.

   I always knew those people signing at major events were just fakes!!!

   I don't know why I'm supposed to care about that guy the Pope. I'm not even J ewish.

   The neighbor kid said "my dad and beat up your dad" and my kid didn't argue the point. FML.

   Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.

   Just when you think you've got all the answers, I change the questions.

   Jennifer Aniston's acting has the emotional range of the volleyball in Castaway.

   If ya havin girl probs I feel bad for ya son, I got 99 problems and a nice young lady isn't one...

   Snow is herpes of the weather

   Girlfriend said "Do you want to go to a Red Hot Chili Peppers concert?" & I said "Do you want to have a different boyfriend that isn't me"

   The question no one is asking: What did Janay do to piss him off?

   One of my favorite sounds on earth is listening to my child sing while he gets ready for school. Something about anyone being that happy this early in the morning just moves me... not in the literal sense but it's touching...

   I met my GF online, in the grocery store. I was checking her out!

   Winters getting close here. Yesterday it was so cold that I seen a Lawyer walking around with his hands in his own pockets