Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My New Year's resolution is to procrastinate about the same.

   Generic Raisin Bran makers should really consider changing its name to just Bran.

   a folder named SPAM... ironically none of the mails reference meat but most of them talk about wieners!

   Drink the Kool-Aid, everything will be OK...

   Going in Build-A-Bear shirtless wasn't creepy until I started holding up unstuffed animals asking the cashier which ones match my eyes

   Someday I wish I could have been on the maylasia plane.

   I beat the crap out of the paparazzi who took a selfie pic of me.

   Just watched a new documentary on Discovery. Now I fell bad for the so-so white shark.

   Do kids today even realize what great Buubs the Activia lady used to have?

   There are 2 types of clowns: registered & unregistered sex offenders

   Him: I'd like to get into your pants. Her: No thanks, one a$$hole in here is enough.

   ‪#‎TBT‬ 1990's: Street lights are on; belts off. get your ass home!

   She put her makeup on. I said : So this is how you become a ten. She said: So, this is why women leave you. Another one bites the dust.

   A new message will appear here in 15 minutes. If one does not, kindly re-read this note.

   A man climbed into a bus and the driver asked"where are you going to" the man replied "to the back seat"

   I think I've gobbled up about as much as I can gobble on Turkey Day.

   I always knew those people signing at major events were just fakes!!!

   I don't know why I'm supposed to care about that guy the Pope. I'm not even J ewish.

   The neighbor kid said "my dad and beat up your dad" and my kid didn't argue the point. FML.

   Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.