Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I had an Aquarium store once, It tanked though....

   why as a man would you tell a woman, your welcome on mothers day ... for malin this day possible like we dont get our own holiday called fathers day you silly guy

   Cats probably get mad that they have to pay an assassin 9 times for one job.

   "Why Do We Fall, Master Wayne...?" - Alfred

   THONY DEVITO 07/17/2012 No matter how busy I am, I always manage to make room in my life to get unreasonably angry when an update I'm proud of gets no reaction.

   In sta gram was much more exciting when I thought it was a fast c0caine service.

   Let it be know that if you touch my phone and it's not a life or death situation, it automatically becomes a life or death situation.

   Ready for Hurricane Isaac!! All the tape and plywood making driving tricky tho'!!

   How scary was it when robo-cop took his helmet off for the first time?

   The Mayan calendar was just a countdown for us to do something Epic.

   I did so much crack last night, I broke into my own house. I was halfway out with the TV before I realized it was my place.

   my power is going through red lights and looking hot enough to not get pulled over

   Not going to see the new Hansel & Gretel. However, in keeping with the spirit of those who get excited over this type of thing, I'm leaving a trail of breadcrumbs everywhere I go so I can find my way home.

   I didn't know what love meant... until I looked it up in the dictionary

   Fifty Shades of Grey, has many "happy endings".

   The difference between guys and dogs is that dogs can be trained.

   if "nice guys finish last" then why do women go for the bad boys 1st?....dont you want a guy that lasts longer in the bedroom?

   hates how I run out of toilet paper.. but never out of poop

   Toilet paper is a lot like money... You never seem to have any when you need it most!

   My last words on death row will be "Thank you."