Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'd like to help you disappoint your family.

   Today is EASTER GRASS bake day!!

   Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it. :|

   Oh you want to see my phone? Add that in the prenup first.

   Why do rappers boast about their flow? I thought all women hated periods? Plus telling every one about it is very unlady like, 2 Chainz.

   If you think you cannot live without someone, you really do need to rethink the fact that you're still alive.

   Before you forward me a funny joke or pic, assume I authored it.

   Seashelled the neighbors house last night. Not quite the same effect as TP.

   without trust, there is suspicion; whenever your filled with suspicion everyone starts looking evil to you!!!!

   I finally figured out what the red and blue lights mean on an RCMP cruiser, so they know which side to get in on

   says Live every act fully, as if it were your last.

   When Yahoo! posts an article that says: "What does the 1st Amendment really say?" Don't read it unless you want to be pissed off and wade in the shallow water with the rest of the herd.

   Who on earth can I turn to? I look to you fried egg steak and cheese burrito... I look to you after all my strength is gone in you I can be strong when melodies are gone in you I hear a song

   “Playtime is over, worktime has be-gun!” – Stewie Griffin

   The temptations of Facebook are like a boomerang. You throw it as far as you can, but it comes right back to you.

   not a performance , and is not here for personal entertainment or enlightenment !

   Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

   We sympathize with, but must reject any articles on how to quickly turn a candy cane into a shiv at stressful family gatherings.

   About half of you, I don't get ...and the other half, I don't care to.

   Why does facebook want me to be anti-social? Every time I get on it automatically signs me into chat as "offline"