Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   when you do something because you want to do it is when you will be most successful

   Todays brain is brought to you by new sponsers. Yesterdays medical alcohol.

   How do some people manage to get their plastic smiles & fake laughters glued to their faces for so long? #Apologies to plastics & glues

   Last time I saw you was last year. It felt so long ago, but I really miss you. I'm so happy I get to see you again this year. Tonight Lets Party hard! Thank you for coming back Saturday!

   I heard Colin Kaepernick is going to lip-sync his play calls

   Felt kinda weird to tell my old School bus dricer that she's too old for me now.

   I am in great marriage...Says my wife

   enought with the lame lottery winnings posts. We all know you're buying an island, a jet, a mansion and a divorce. Except, you're just wasting your money like the rest of us...

   Technolgy....Have you have been on the house phone and dialed the number and looked for the send button?

   Im proud to announce that my work has upgraded the toilet paper selection from 1-ply rapidly dissolving paper to 2-ply soft on your rear end stuff. The CEO must have received my letters.

   If you're going to make assumptions, start with the assumption that you are a shallow idiot.

   I wonder how many men helping the needy in foreign countries had a different idea when they told their wife they were interested in missionary.

   Be a visitee and not always the visitor... see how that works out!

   It's not a crime scene if it was an act of love. Everyone knows that.

   Sorry, I can't be your Valentine. I already have 12. *points to case of beer*

   On Valentine's Day, yet again I'll be in the house on my own watching films and eating a takeaway with no one to talk to. I really can't see a downside

   Parenting is all about compromise. For example, I just compromised the contents of my stomach trying to eat this god aweful breakfast in bed they just made me.

   Dear Winter: SMA!!

   I could spend the day with you but there's not enough room in my trunk.

   Question, Is it still considered "drinking alone" if you're on Facebook?