Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I am in great marriage...Says my wife

   enought with the lame lottery winnings posts. We all know you're buying an island, a jet, a mansion and a divorce. Except, you're just wasting your money like the rest of us...

   Technolgy....Have you have been on the house phone and dialed the number and looked for the send button?

   Im proud to announce that my work has upgraded the toilet paper selection from 1-ply rapidly dissolving paper to 2-ply soft on your rear end stuff. The CEO must have received my letters.

   If you're going to make assumptions, start with the assumption that you are a shallow idiot.

   I wonder how many men helping the needy in foreign countries had a different idea when they told their wife they were interested in missionary.

   Be a visitee and not always the visitor... see how that works out!

   It's not a crime scene if it was an act of love. Everyone knows that.

   Sorry, I can't be your Valentine. I already have 12. *points to case of beer*

   On Valentine's Day, yet again I'll be in the house on my own watching films and eating a takeaway with no one to talk to. I really can't see a downside

   Parenting is all about compromise. For example, I just compromised the contents of my stomach trying to eat this god aweful breakfast in bed they just made me.

   Dear Winter: SMA!!

   I could spend the day with you but there's not enough room in my trunk.

   Question, Is it still considered "drinking alone" if you're on Facebook?

   Me: can I have a large? Starbucks employee: you mean a venti? Me: can we not fu$&ing do this

   ZOOKEEPER: As you all know, one of the penguins has somehow gone missing & we need to find it.. ME: *nervously* it's finders keepers tho,,, right?

   A picture only captures a millisecond of a life. So at the end of the day, don't judge a person by their pics.

   I got kicked out of Subway again for NOT talking on my iPhone when ordering a sandwich

   I wanted to serve my wife breakfast in bed but she wouldn't cooperate. By the time I got her tied up so she couldn't get out I had to feed her myself. It got a bit messy, but happy mother's day anyway

   Banana peel, coffee grounds, pizza crust, beer bottles, empty tins, paper plates, sales papers. Don't mind me I'm just talking trash.