Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Im not materialistic or superficial".....says the girl who goes shopping to cheer her up

   How she gonna wake up and not love me no more? I thought I was the ass-hole in this relationship, I guess its rubbing off.

   Show everyone what you're made of...with your clothes on.

   Your wise words bring out your stupidity.

   Since when has being cheap counted as "empowerment"?...Hey, I'm all for getting in touch with the "inner goddess" by pole dancing you're way to "new you", but you can't get lobster thermidore out of a can of tuna. Get a life."

   Has anyone seen my shake weight?

   alcohol turns people into the little engine that could...i think I can, I think I can

   Let's tell people what to do with their lives and ignore our own problems.

   When I say I'm going to "woo" you, it's a reference to my love for John Woo films, so I'll be punching you & throwing doves in your face.

   I want a restraining order against every spiders.

   Nah you don't deserve credits or being "beautiful" if yet it is obvious you had a good make up artist and a great photographer...

   would you say I have anger issues if everytime the "Wendy's girl" comes on tv I wanna rip my tv off the wall and throw it out on my front lawn and then set fire to it?

   Fortune cookie said to go ahead with any new schemes. Dining and ditching then seemed justifiable.Why dish it out if you cant take it Mings?

   It would suck if the world ended tomorrow simply because Jersey Shore's last episode is tonight!! No more Snookie!!

   when you do something because you want to do it is when you will be most successful

   Todays brain is brought to you by new sponsers. Yesterdays medical alcohol.

   How do some people manage to get their plastic smiles & fake laughters glued to their faces for so long? #Apologies to plastics & glues

   Last time I saw you was last year. It felt so long ago, but I really miss you. I'm so happy I get to see you again this year. Tonight Lets Party hard! Thank you for coming back Saturday!

   I heard Colin Kaepernick is going to lip-sync his play calls

   Felt kinda weird to tell my old School bus dricer that she's too old for me now.