Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Thinks there was more white trash at the Toby Keith concert than in the dumpster behind a paper plate factory

   Friends are like computers : they enter into your life,saves you in their heart,formats your problems & never deletes you from their memory.

   For those who don't speak Spanish, Cinco De Mayo means "Hold the Mayo"

   a licensed kamasutrist

   Most people have fears of spiders, snakes, heights, clowns, etc. But I'm mainly scared of diseases. Expecially that one you get from marriage, Onegina...

   Imagine if you knew exactly when are you going to die, what would you do with the rest of your time? I bet you would change a lot of things about you life...

   wonders why does his wife insist on watching shows in standard def when we have the high def equivilent on our cable system?

   Don't ask me to tell you my status, FACEBOOK, you're not my therapist!

   ..has Claustrophobia. She's afraid of Santa Clause.

   I wish some people were like Etch-A-Sketch's...when you shake the sh*t out of them they disappear.

   If I was a college professor, I would give bad grades to the girls I wanted to screw. I'm sure 90% of them would prostitute in exchange for an "A"

   apparently I'm not wearing a sweater vest but rather a "quilted wife beater" priceless

   I dont like my women single.. I like my chicks in 2's

   Only you old school pervs will get this one: BOB GUCCIONE'S TOMBSTONE: Here Lies "Name Held Upon Request" 1930-2010

   I am looking forward to my daughter being done with her I-Don't-Like-Daddy Phase. I'm running out of things to clean with her toothbrush.

   Of course Ellen DeGeneres is being taken to task for being a c**t. All Iesbians are.

   What did I learn today? Never use a dentist with a huge inflatable molar on his roof.

   There are 361 days until Christmas and people already have their lights up. This is getting ridiculous.

   Have happy merry impeachment and if you didn't hear trump's impeachment time is here.

   . Looks like the FNC reporters drank some Folgers and finally woke up.