Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The stupid doctor keeps insisting that I suffer from Adult ADD ... What an idiot!! ... Heck, as far as I'm concerned SQUIRREL!!!!

   Spanish word of the day is: Cheez-It's. Cheez-It's Christ it's cold!

   I once skeeted in the back seat of an 18 wheeler.......... That 18 wheeler is now known today as........ OPTIMUS PRIME

   I tried dating Native American women, but it really wasn't for me. They're really in tents.

   ..We can learn a lot in life from our crayons we had as kids; some are dull, some are bright, and they are all different colors, but they have to learn to live in the same box..(",)

   these sports status suck....like your hairy chest mom ....

   Thinks there was more white trash at the Toby Keith concert than in the dumpster behind a paper plate factory

   Friends are like computers : they enter into your life,saves you in their heart,formats your problems & never deletes you from their memory.

   For those who don't speak Spanish, Cinco De Mayo means "Hold the Mayo"

   a licensed kamasutrist

   Most people have fears of spiders, snakes, heights, clowns, etc. But I'm mainly scared of diseases. Expecially that one you get from marriage, Onegina...

   Imagine if you knew exactly when are you going to die, what would you do with the rest of your time? I bet you would change a lot of things about you life...

   wonders why does his wife insist on watching shows in standard def when we have the high def equivilent on our cable system?

   Don't ask me to tell you my status, FACEBOOK, you're not my therapist!

   ..has Claustrophobia. She's afraid of Santa Clause.

   I wish some people were like Etch-A-Sketch's...when you shake the sh*t out of them they disappear.

   If I was a college professor, I would give bad grades to the girls I wanted to screw. I'm sure 90% of them would prostitute in exchange for an "A"

   apparently I'm not wearing a sweater vest but rather a "quilted wife beater" priceless

   I dont like my women single.. I like my chicks in 2's

   Only you old school pervs will get this one: BOB GUCCIONE'S TOMBSTONE: Here Lies "Name Held Upon Request" 1930-2010