Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm currently in the process of getting my groove back. Please standby!

   The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there

   Breaking News: Trump screams at Mike Pence for not praying hard enough to make Biden lose.

   I’m proud that my kids can see our current First Lady naked when they google her. So beautiful!

   Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be. Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.

   just watched Titanic backwards. Jack floats to the top, the boat glues itself together, Rose puts her clothes on and every sails happily back home.

   WHAT?!?! Gary Coleman is dead?! What'choo talkin' 'bout, Willis?!?!?!

   damn I hope Prince William is Secretly gay. That will split that snooty ass family apart..

   A wise man once told me, "You are not the father"! Thanks Maury!

   We need a homosexual, aetheist President with the economic and foreign affairs views of Ron Paul.

   I'm starting to realize that Facebook has made more changes than Obama

   I'm not sure who needs to hear this but Walmart sells Father's Day cards in packs of five.

   In response to recent rape allegations, TV Land has pulled all episodes of the Cosby Show off the air. My life is ruined.

   when you heard a jet overhead this past two weeks, were you looking to see if was Malaysian Airlines 370?

   The stupid doctor keeps insisting that I suffer from Adult ADD ... What an idiot!! ... Heck, as far as I'm concerned SQUIRREL!!!!

   Spanish word of the day is: Cheez-It's. Cheez-It's Christ it's cold!

   I once skeeted in the back seat of an 18 wheeler.......... That 18 wheeler is now known today as........ OPTIMUS PRIME

   I tried dating Native American women, but it really wasn't for me. They're really in tents.

   ..We can learn a lot in life from our crayons we had as kids; some are dull, some are bright, and they are all different colors, but they have to learn to live in the same box..(",)

   these sports status suck....like your hairy chest mom ....