Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished the fifth grade a year before I did.

   If anyone can figure out how to be indoors and outdoors at the same time, it will be a cat.

   Pfft, No pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, just a bunch of fruits

   doesn't care what Richard Gere thinks, a gerbil should not be used as a sex toy.

   snow is like sex.....you never know when you're giong to get it and when you do, you never know how much you're going to get!

   Am I the only one who feels that if I had to describe urine's color and possible taste, that I should point to a yellow Vitamin Water?

   I'm not a Quitter. I'm might not accomplish these things, but I'll never quit.

   Jack Kevorkian once said, "The money is okay, but the work is murder."

   Do yall have any idea how many holes there would be if we just started taking the dirt of them??

   Just clubbed a Chik-Fil-A Cow with my Louisville Slugger and is now planning a rip roarin' BBQ this weekend and you're all invited...you're welcome.

   My girlfriend said shes leaving me because I'm too reckless and keep taking stupid risks. I think that's what she said anyway. I was shaving my bollox with a chainsaw at the time.

   I got Adonis DNA.....Just check my bed sheets! WINNING!

   wondering why Charlie seems to have lost his Sheen...

   Feeling like a slurpee? Go 4-7-11

   The rap song "Walk It Out" was inspired by a guy who was consoling his girlfriend after a hardcore night of rough sex.

   1. play a youtube video 2.pause it 3. hold left arrow for 3 seconds 4. then press up arrow while holding left arrow 5. play the snake game

   You can go to church and sing a hymn, you can judge me by the color of my skin, you can live a lie until you die, the one thing you can't hide, is when you're crippled inside.

   Do I have an iPhone? Dude my phone has snake on it, does that answer your question?

   When I fall down a public venue, "Did anyone see me" totally outranks "Am I ok" on the thought process.

   You can't be hot when you're asleep, especially when you're in a deep sleeping having a dream about making love to a Snowman!