Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   So I was wondering. If I paid to go watch a football game and suddenly in the middle of the game all the christian players get raptured up into heaven, do I get a refund???

   (phone vibrates) *runs across room* *jumps over couch* *fights off ninja* *grabs phone* "damn, I thought you were some else!"

   ‎"Every kiss begins with Kay." But for second base and beyond, go with Tiffany. Victoria Secret should be 3rd base....Cartier home run

   Sent x-rays instead of pictures.... because it's what's inside that counts.

   High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.

   Confucious says, man who fingers girl on period gets caught red handed.

   The secret to being social after the pandemic is to delete your Facebook account.

   Every time I'm about to win an argument with my wife someone wakes me up. .

   knock knock??? whos there?? I eat mop! I eat mopwho!! haha you eat your poo

   can see Alaska from hisher house

   for all you moaning about the pledge of allegiance being taken out of schools I don't see them saying it in church and isn't that where gods at?

   Epstein sells girls and his bank accounts go untouched. But Canadian truckers and the My Pillow Guy get shut down?

   A drink called KenoshaKid - what's it made of? A chaser followed by three shots.

   We lost Michael Jackson in 2009, Neil Armstrong just died...man we're losing all of our moon walkers

   When I was a child, I remember lying with my eyes closed waiting for Santa to come. ....Then there was the awkward silence as he got dressed and left.

   I was riding a donkey today when somone threw a rock that knocked me off. I was stoned off my ass.

   Justin Bieber is being sued for allegedly beating up his ex-bodyguard. Which begs the question — who hires a bodyguard that Justin Bieber can beat up?

   christmas has been cancelled this year due to santa being fired for inappropriate behavior by asking a girl if she had been naughty or nice...

   you can pick your friends....you can pick your nose.......but you can't pick your friend's nose!

   on a seefood diet,,,, I see food and eat it