Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   No matter how old you are, no matter how badass you think you are, If a toddler hands you their ringing toy phone, You answer it.

   sometimes when i'm drunk I choose the Chinese option on the ATM to challenge myself.

   A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.

   My mom thinks LOL stands for "lots of love" and texted me "Your Grandma just died. LOL." :)

   I only use the Asian laundromats. It takes two wongs to make it white.

   Dont Pour Sugar on me... I have Diabetes... Dont Pour Sugar on me... High in fructose... Dont pour sugar on me.. I'll die of stroke.. Hot sticky lost my feet... Feeling numb from my head to my feet yeah... Dont Pour Sugar on me... I have had enough

   A South Korean woman passed her written driving exam on the 950th try, taking the test every day for four years. She then went to a random typewriter and banged out a Shakespearean play.

   So I was wondering. If I paid to go watch a football game and suddenly in the middle of the game all the christian players get raptured up into heaven, do I get a refund???

   (phone vibrates) *runs across room* *jumps over couch* *fights off ninja* *grabs phone* "damn, I thought you were some else!"

   ‎"Every kiss begins with Kay." But for second base and beyond, go with Tiffany. Victoria Secret should be 3rd base....Cartier home run

   Sent x-rays instead of pictures.... because it's what's inside that counts.

   High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.

   Confucious says, man who fingers girl on period gets caught red handed.

   The secret to being social after the pandemic is to delete your Facebook account.

   Every time I'm about to win an argument with my wife someone wakes me up. .

   knock knock??? whos there?? I eat mop! I eat mopwho!! haha you eat your poo

   can see Alaska from hisher house

   thinks Michael's heart: just couldn't Beat It . . . too soon? too soon?

   for all you moaning about the pledge of allegiance being taken out of schools I don't see them saying it in church and isn't that where gods at?

   Epstein sells girls and his bank accounts go untouched. But Canadian truckers and the My Pillow Guy get shut down?