Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   For years my Wife only has sex with me on my birthday. But now she has Alzheimer's, so I tell her it is my birthday everyday.

   I'm a porn again Christian.

   Donald Trump's father's favorite song was "This Land is my Land, This Land is my Land."

   No I am not aware Taylor Swift has a new album because I don't listen to trash. I throw it out.

   . Do you think trump may of donated is presidental pay because he would of felt guilty excepting pay for a job he's not doing ?

   Whoever said technology will replace paper... has obviously never tried to wipe their ass with an iPad

   I'll be taking a knee at my Superbowl party in protest of white supremacy and police brutality.

   I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys

   I wonder how old Jenna Jameson's twin sons will be when they realize they weren't the first two guys in her at the same time?

   To all single men out there, NO, Plam Sunday is NOT like a Valentine's Day for you and your palm.

   thankful that Anthony Weiner's last name wasnt 'Butthole'.

   i just perfectly reverse parked my truck into a tight spot... Turns out the "tight Spot" was my girlfriend...

   wonders how many people could get high from snorting Amy Winehouse's ashes...

   "my cramps are killing me", "I'm in total b!tch mode!", "I'm soooo bloated.", I'm seriously sick and tired of hearing about your 'drain cycles', clearly all you ladies are ovary acting. :P

   why is it so hard to understand women, its like I have to sit with a notepad n pen and study these basturds.

   Damn gurl... Are you left over pizza from Saturday night because I was going to get rid of you but now that I'm drunk ur all I can think about.

   Hey Great Britain... we welcome you to invade the United States. Thanks....Americans are too lazy to do it themselves.

   Guys are excellent cooks. With two eggs, a sausage, & a little bit of milk...they can keep a girl's stomach full for 9 months

   In my head the Burger King and the Dairy Queen are married. And they have children named Wendy and Ronald McDonald.

   I never get tired of a woman saying oh my God its so big when I pull down my pants.